pt 3. finding a partner is like finding a missing puzzle piece
take this values quiz immediately
Before I go to the beach for the day, here’s some dating advice I give my real-life friends. You’re not looking for your twin. You’re looking for your missing puzzle piece.
I grew up around really good relationships. My parents are still together and happy after over 30 years, my grandparents are still together and happy after nearly 60 years. As I get older, I realize how rare this is.
Their relationships have flaws, like all do, but the core tenet remains the same: they fit together nicely.
The first step when deciding you’re ready to pursue a serious relationship is not making a list of your non-negotiables. (The Work Friend, if you’re reading this, and your 5’4’’ ass says he has to be over 6-feet one more g-damn time…)
When you start the process by listing surface-level non-negotiables, you’re already handicapping yourself from reaching your full relationship potential. Trust me, what you end up with is simultaneously different than what you imagined and better than you could’ve ever dreamed.
The first step is knowing yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and personality quirks. (If you can’t figure them out, I am happy to tell you what they are).
Once you truly know yourself, you can be honest about what you need in a relationship. Not what you want. Because the rich tech bro over 6 feet with a mustache and no mommy issues does not exist.
So, here's the values quiz. I encourage you to pause reading this and take it before reading further.
My five core values are (1) family, (2) happiness, (3) health, (4) ethics, and (5) freedom.
The boy and I have two matches in our top 5 values. He also values (a) family and (b) happiness.
But, that’s all we have in common.
Flashback to when we met in 2016 and he would go to McDonald’s at midnight and get the “McRib” sandwich, fries, and a coke. I never saw this man eat a vegetable. I was not drawn to him for his “health” value.
He wanted to be bossed around. Didn’t really care about individual “freedom.” He wanted predictability and reassurance that he was safe.
He had ethical values - I hope? He’s not a serial killer that I know of. But, the boy doesn’t feel beholden to a broader sense of right and wrong. He feels beholden to people.
It may come as no surprise the boy’s other three values are (c) loyalty, (d) stability, and (e) security.
The boy and I reference this Values Quiz nearly every day. We consult our values when making big decisions, independently and together.
This quiz helped me articulate why I became so frustrated in my big-girl lawyer job. Turns out when you feel like you’re being forced to act against what you think is right, your ethics and freedom values are screaming at you…more on that later.
After 9 years of being together:
The boy eats vegetables. On occasion.
The boy gives me space but also makes me feel stable and secure in our relationship.
I helped him drop out of law school. Even though it made his life unstable, my freedom value helped us do it and it made him (and us) way happier.
As we prepare to maybe someday in a few years attempt to reproduce and create a little alien, we discuss how we can stay true to our values and predict where problems will inevitably arise.
Like when I get fat and grumpy. And he wishes he can just leave me and get a McRib.
This dating advice is less about finding a match and more about finding yourself. Let’s go baddies!
feeling targeted